Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My thoughts... Afraid to love?

(I stole ur icon Kim.. hope u don't mind lol :) I thought it was perfect for these thoughts)

Recently, I was sitting with a friend, talking about life goals and obstacles. The conversation was more so about the things he wanted to accomplish, after I showed him a few achievements from my past years. He felt super motivated and his enthusiasm really did something for me that day. I can't remember how, but the convo quickly shifted to me and my fears.

This is a sensitive subject for me because I tend to think of myself as fearless. My ambition and talents have repeatedly carried me to the things I wanted to accomplish and when I decided on something, it was done InshAllah. He effortlessly read me and said he noticed one fear... the fear to love. I immediately started my rebuttal but had nothing to say. Hmm.. I simply disagreed and left it at that.

A couple days later, during my flight to LA, I really thought about it and realized that he was right. The fear is there because I'm afraid to make a mistake and fall in love with the wrong person. I'm afraid to put myself out there and risk getting hurt. Now that it's written, it sounds so silly... but its true. And I'm not talking about acting like this just around guys I like... I'm the same way around my friends too. "Love" is hard to say and no one ever knows what I'm thinking.

And a lot of times, its easier for me to suppress my thoughts about the people I admire because it makes me feel too mushy to speak about it lol. The truth is, there's so many people that I think highly of that have never heard it. I like to let my actions speak for me. Some people (and you should know who you are) get the best treatment. Whatever you ask for... I will never turn you down. Sometimes, you don't even have to ask. I sacrifice my own time to get you what you need and never think twice about it. Its my passion to see people happy... and that's all there is to it.

But sometimes.... I feel like I've been taken advantage of and that I've done too much. This is the exact thing that makes me want to step back and go into my shell. I think this is my downfall. Its hard to show someone when their actions are bothering me. It just stays in my head til I get over it or it gets overwhelming... then I write about it.

The same friend asked me, "So what does that mean for you now [that you agreed to the fear]?". I told him I had to recognize why I had that fear and let go of it. Easier said than done right?

I've got a lot of love built up in me haha.. but the second someone takes advantage of it and I feel played, its a rap for them. I gotta fix that. I'M NOT AFRAID TO LOVE.. JUST AFRAID TO SHOW IT. I can easily show the love of an object or the love of inspiration but showing the love of individual is a journey I'm going to have to take. InshAllah.. Slowly but surely, I'll accomplish this too.

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